I never thought it would happen to me and that I would be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Especially because I knew on the first date that this guy was not right for me. And yet something inside me ignored the voice and I dived straight into a full-on relationship. Whilst it took me 2 years to recover myself and get out. I had to get to a point where I realized that no matter how little I had it was worth a whole lot more than being with him. Why did it take me so long you may ask? It’s a question I have asked myself many times and the truth is, I think it was a number of things. Largely fear.
Not of him but of myself. Of having to deal with me and the world on my own. I couldn’t understand why I could not make it the perfect relationship. Why I couldn’t make him see that I was so much more than all the horrible things he would say to me. And whilst it was not a physically abusive relationship it was emotionally abusive. He enjoyed putting me down so much. With a mocking smile he would corner me. For him it was a game. For me the more he dragged me down the more I tried to make things better.
My family did not like him and said so much although he was always included in family gatherings. He was from a different country and in the long summer holidays during my studies I would go to stay with him and his family. My father told me he did not want me to come back with him. As much as I knew I was not happy I still felt it was a relationship worth fighting for. I went to stay with his family, who were lovely. And his friends were welcoming and fun. And yet he was still the same towards me.
However I did notice that, as much as I tolerated the way he spoke to me I did not like the way he spoke to his mother. But she just seemed to take it as if were normal. It made me realize that it was not just me. It was him that was at fault. Something inside me shifted and slowly I started to look at our relationship from a distance. As he would insult me, ridicule me and try to humiliate me in my mind I started to question his behavior.
He lived near the sea and I would go to the beach and swim and think how everything around me was so beautiful except our relationship. And amidst all of this beauty why was I choosing to have something so ugly in my life? Despite this I still carried on and as the holidays were coming to an end I thought we would go home together. That was until one evening, when I came to join him and a group of friends and in front of them he looked at me and smirked and said,’ hahaha, you’re not happy are you!? And I looked straight at him and said,’ You know what actually I am but just not with you.’
A few days later I left without him. I was so fragile on my return and felt drained of everything. As if someone had scraped all the energy, life and light out of me. And yet within the darkness I knew I had planted a seed that was unstoppable. That needed nurturing and care but was strong and resilient. I did not look back. With time I saw the relationship as such a lesson of what I did not want in life. And of what I did not want in a relationship. I realized that I was more than enough, that in actual fact whilst he tried to make me feel that I was not good enough for him, the reality was he was not good enough for me.